Dating Advice

McSweeney's lists good dating advice, taken from a GameFAQ for GTA: San Andreas. Some advice from the FAQ that's funny when taken out of context:

Just because she says she likes something doesn't mean that it's true. You are usually better off doing the opposite of what she says.

Perhaps if she's related to George Costanza ...

If you were going out with the girl and you killed her on a date, then you're in a situation similar to if you were dumped.

Um, "similar" is one word for it ...

It might be that some kind of event triggers phone calls, as you can often stand outside a girl's house for weeks without getting one.

The number she's calling at that point is probably only three digits long ...

The best haircuts for sex appeal are the cornrow, blonde cornrow, groove cut, and detail cut. Haircuts that give no boost to sex appeal include pretty much any that involve coloring (other than blonde) and the Elvis hair. Afros, mohawks, and goatees tend to give pretty low boosts as well.

Elvis hair, no sex appeal? You sure about that?

Gaining fat is easy. Just go to the fast food restaurant of your choice, and order up to 11 of the biggest meal they have. Don't have more than 11 meals in a 6-hour period though, or you'll vomit and gain nothing.

Profound.

The third basic type of date outcome is an abandon date. [...] The easiest way to do this is to get into a car, and then quickly drive away before your girlfriend can get in. [...] This is just like a failed date, but faster.

I can't tell you how much time I've saved over the years doing that ...

Yes, you can date all of the girls at the same time, and I recommend that you do.

Easy for you to say!

Clearly you both enjoy coffee a lot.